I have been wanting to post about Sam's current sleep habits, mainly what happens at night, but haven't known what it is that I really wanted to say. I was thinking about it tonight when I put him to bed and realized that our nighttime "routine" isn't really what is so special about that time. I would really rather Sam be able to be put to bed and go to sleep on his own every night, but lately that has not been the case.
It seems like 6 out of 7 nights, he is kinda wound up, either due to our daily schedule being a little out of the ordinary or possibly just getting enough sleep during the day (or maybe not enough) and being still mostly awake at bedtime (or possibly too tired other times). Most of the time it seems there is no specific reason. We are putting him to bed and he is calm, tired, but in a general good mood. We put him down in his crib and walk away, shut the light off, step out of the room and, "WaaaAAA", this most desperate cry follows us out the door. I don't know if he is going through some separation anxiety or just, as I said before, either too awake or too sleepy.
It has given me the opportunity to rock Sam to sleep most nights. He falls asleep in my arms and I get to spend about 5 minutes just looking at him by the light of his night light; barely identifiable shadow.
This time is precious to me. I am not wholly aware of why even now. It does embody the relationship I would like to have with my son. To leave him in peace, be "standing outside his door", and be at the ready to comfort and, when the time comes, support him through my strength, warmth and gentle embrace of love. It is through our daily relationship that I am able to build the trust and comfort with him necessary to bring him comfort in these times and it is good to know we are headed the right way.
Tonight he was fussing so hard as I came back in the room. As I picked him up and cradled him in my arms, the wails turned to sweet whimpers, to quiet coos; his eyes shutting almost immediately and I could tell his body relaxed as I felt his full weight in my arms. I stood there for longer than usual and just soaked it in, fully realizing my place in his life. I may feel like I am not cut out to be a good dad sometimes, like I lack something that is necessary, essential. However, it is times like these that those normal doubts vanish because they never really had any substance. It makes me want to strive harder, be better, to live life so that Sam will have the example he needs and so desperately deserves.
It has changed my perception of my heavenly father also; having a son of your own can evidently give you a glimpse of what God must want for us. He wants to be there, ready to swoop in when we call "Father", and already is if we would just call to Him. I guess I need to ponder that aspect more...
3 comments:
I wept as I read your writing about your relationship with Sam. Parents come with a basics handbook for care, but I believe parents are made as time goes on and by listening to the needs of our child(ren). You and Aimee are fantastic parents who really watch and listen for your son's needs. Hurrah for you.
This is the age when separation anxiety begins to occur. Sometimes just a song outside the door is enough to calm your child, other times it is just what you are doing. Certainly I have found that Sam needs a short cuddle time before sleep and I wait until I feel him relax.
What a sweet post! It made me cry a little. I know exactly what you mean about how everything feels like it was meant to be and how I have a better sense of God's love for us. Thanks for putting it so eloquently.
Yes, I cried a little, too. Thank you for sharing this sweet sentiment. You are surely a wonderful father (and Aimee a wonderful mother). I really enjoy the way you both share these moments - good and bad. I am tucking these little tidbits away for when my time comes to be a parent. Keep up the great work (and all the updates!!) =)
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